Satellite Love by Genki Ferguson

Author:Genki Ferguson [Ferguson, Genki]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780771049873
Google: sjsZEAAAQBAJ
Publisher: McClelland & Stewart
Published: 2021-03-02T00:00:00+00:00

SOKI

I’D BEEN LOOKING THROUGH my dad’s study, this old, paper-walled room, tucked into the back of the house. Musty-smelling bamboo mats and all. Whoever lived here last must have been a teacher. There’s some calligraphy on the walls. A few of my mom’s dying flower arrangements too. The whole room felt like it was from Edo Japan or something. It had a Western desk, though. This dark mahogany monster Dad had dragged from city to city. That’s what I’d mostly been combing through.

I had to be really careful. Usually did this at one or two in the morning. Snuck out into the hall when no one was awake. Opened the sliding doors slowly, otherwise they’d let out this low groan, like they didn’t want to be woken up. My dad didn’t know what I was doing. Thought I just went to bed when he told me to. But really I was going through his papers, learning lots about him, trying to figure out what had made him lose his faith. Hadn’t managed to find out yet. The answers weren’t in any of the old articles he wrote, academic essays written in kanji too complex for me to comprehend.

That night, I found an article I understood, clipped from some newspaper. Couldn’t tell when he wrote it, the top of the page was trimmed off. The article was about pilgrimages, how they test your arrogance more than your faith. He wrote that the visions people sometimes see on these journeys are a result of “delirium” rather than belief. Wasn’t sure what delirium meant, but I could tell it wasn’t good. That those fading letters held something harsh inside.

This reminded me of the argument we had after I went to the shrine with Mom. It was about the one hundred times stone, the pillar that some shrines set up just outside their grounds. They say that if you walk between this pillar and the doors of the shrine one hundred times, you can make a prayer come true. Dad said I should try it, to really understand what being devout means. I think now he was joking, but I took it as a challenge. Said that I would go for one thousand laps instead. If that didn’t prove my faith, nothing could.

Dad just kind of chuckled to himself. Told me to “go for it, kid,” then went back to reading those financial newspapers, which I was sure he didn’t understand. I think he bought them for Mom’s sake more than his own. To show her that he had plans for “upward mobility” or that he was on the “bleeding edge” of something.

It was like he thought I couldn’t tell when I was being mocked. Or maybe he didn’t even know he was doing it himself. Reading that article felt like I was being made fun of. Like he was telling me I had a “delirium.” Whatever that meant. But ever since we moved to Sakita, I’ve been trying to figure things out on my own.

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